Letter To Me: Ciara Ladroma

Dear Ciara -

Listen, username clhubbz123, it’s YOU/me/us from the future.  We’re 30. Don’t worry it’s cool af ←- that means “as fuck” - it’s a newer thing.  We go through a lot. Literally. I promise you (and yes you keep promises to yourself - even though others don’t) that we will be okay and actually really great.  

I want to prove to you that I am you in the FUTURE.  Here are some things either just us or very few people know -

  • We had our first kiss in 6th grade at a party we shouldn’t have been at. We did NOT like the kiss.

  • We had our first cigarette after we tore our ACL & MCL and was told we wouldn’t be able to play sports for a very long time

  • We had no damn idea what it meant when people would say “ok, sign on to messenger at 7 pm!” - what the hell was msn messenger.  But you went with it - cuz up until now we are “big fake it till you make it” gals.

  • We were afraid to be home. A lot.

Ohkay - so now that you believe me a little more. Let’s get into this.  Hi, it’s me/us. We’re 16 years into the future so that makes us 30. I know - HOLY SHIT THAT’S FUCKING OLD. Girl, it’s not. We haven’t allowed it to be so relax.  I also know that you can’t seem to wrap your mind around being 30. This makes sense because we are not long future thinkers - we’re just not. It’s fine. Literally the other day one of our colleagues (oh ya we have a career and stuff) asked if we were available on August 7th to come and present on something.  We looked at that email and really had no idea because August just seems SO FAR AWAY. Girl, it’s May 22, 2019. It ain’t far. We just live a more present lifestyle - pros and cons to this.

We’re a pretty direct person - so, i’m going to jump right in.

  • High school, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t going to be hard for us.  Life - will be. Being popular is cool and important to us - I get it - just please remember you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.  It doesn’t make you more or less of a person. The ones that matter will literally love you either way.

  • Everyone gets into relationships. So do we.  It’s just a little harder for us because no one (including us) knows what to do with the fact that we look different than everyone else.  BTW - you’re asian, you’re brown, and you are different. Do not let “Iowa Nice” distract you from knowing who you are. Own it. Remember in 6th grade someone called us a “nigger” - yah - we’re different and people are uneducated and have no idea.  Trust me - there is a way bigger world than this small town, state, and nation. I promise you we get to see it all. We’re adventurers.

  • I know it feels like shit going home.  What is home anyways, right? We’re angry a lot.  We really should go to therapy but that’s not necessarily supported.  Don’t worry - therapy is great and we’re currently in the process of finding a therapist that works for us.  No - you don’t end up crazy - that’s not why you need a therapist. They just help - so many people go to therapy - and it’s another way of caring for us.  So...someone you live with is a monster. I’m so sorry to say this but he doesn’t go away. But CIARA I PROMISE YOU - you get so fucking strong that you do NOT put up with any bullshit or even acknowledge this person.  This takes a while though - like well into your 20’s. Own your space now. You can do it. Don’t get mad - don’t stomp off - don’t talk back. Talk smart, talk calmly, and honestly - talk to mom. Even if she won’t listen the first few times.  Do it. Please. You don’t ever get hit or hurt physically. It’s all mental. Being angry all the time isn’t your fault - it’s just how we cope. I promise it gets better. I know we sleep with a bat near our bed - keep it there. Just to be safe.  No, you’re not being dramatic. You’re being safe. I won’t tell you our major events that happen in high school because this is when we really grow. No matter what, Ciara - things work out for the best. All the things. I know this sounds cliche af - but it’s true - things happen for a reason.  Don’t be upset at Fred. He was helping. He is always helping and will always be a constant in your life. Remember that. I’ve mentioned this already - anger issues. We have them. We still have them - but we’ve learned to control and cope. We’re so good at this now. Find your outlets, don’t hurt yourself.  Get even more involved with things. Stay busy.

  • The people in our life.  OHKAY so we meet a lot of people that really are gold, complete assholes, or lessons - or all 3 at one point or another.  Here’s the thing - we are loyal af and we love creating a circle. Fuck the idea of having sooo many facebook or myspace friends - what really matters to us is just a few people.  Think about it - you know i’m right. We trust and love really easily - we’re still kind of like this but also not really. Please allow yourself to love, forgive others, move on. If someone doesn’t respond to you or contact you - move the fuck on.  You are not a second choice. EVER. There’s someone that will be head over heels for you - you find yourself loving him too - don’t fight it. Don’t play around with him - he’s truly a good one and honestly we don’t deserve him. You know who I’m talking about already.

  • Ohkay so I know you’ve been kind of hoping I talk about this but you wouldn’t ever say out loud that you were thinking this -- let’s talk about sex. Not like when we have sex for the first time (which btw you’ll regret and he doesn’t deserve it tbh) but who we like.  Here’s the thing - no matter how hard you fight or hide it - you like girls...AND boys. It’s called bisexual. Not everyone will accept it - especially in the beginning - or also maybe never. You really explore in your 20’s. It’s fun and also holy pain. Don’t close your heart. That is easier said than done.  Yes, people will judge you but I promise - we don’t give any fucks about that anymore. Be yourself and remember...there’s more to life than any small town and any opinion. Our 20’s is all about love and pain. Fight for you and what/who makes you happy. Please know or recognize when it’s time to say bye. Forgive yourself.  

  • Ohkay - quick note about college.  YES, freedom is great but don’t fuck around.  This is literally your/our future. You know what you like and you’re going to get great at a lot of things.  DO NOT HOLD YOURSELF BACK. Also - I can’t wait until you meet all your best friends. They are incredible.

  • Let’s fast forward.  MOVE. Anywhere you want.  Doesn’t matter - just go. You meet people who will change your everything.  I can’t give you too much of a sneak peek but - girl - you level up. Hella.

  • Quick notes:

    • Don’t hold yourself back.

    • Work life balance.  We have issues with this.

    • Explore everything.

    • Don’t be such a “fuck boi” - this is a term.  Just because you’ve been hurt and we’re terrified of commitment - it doesn’t mean it’s ok to hurt others along the way.  So, knock it off.

  • Fast forward more.  You would be proud of who we’ve become and are becoming.  We’ve experienced and grown a lot. We constantly want to move, create things, and help everyone.  I want to tell you so bad the things we’re working on right now - but I’m going to keep it a surprise.

Let’s wrap this up.

  • I love you

  • Love yourself back

  • Fuck the haters

  • Treasure the people who treasure you.  You’ll know who i’m talking about. Those people...they are your Inner Circle.  

  • Live the life you deserve

  • Be kind.

Love - Us

P.s. you love country music. Get over it.

P.p.s. Don’t eat like complete shit in college

Ciara Ladroma